AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
