I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
