I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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