thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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