Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
