1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
