I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
