I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
