Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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