the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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