ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize