I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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