Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
