so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
