I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
