hotel room ftw
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
