How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
