Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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