Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
