Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
