I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
