i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
