I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
