if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
