the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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