I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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