What a fucking waste of an outfit
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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