Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
