I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
