gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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