Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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