I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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