New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just gift wrapped bread.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
