The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
