WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Acid is not a monday night drug
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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