my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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