Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
