What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
