my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize