either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
