I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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