I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
