If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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