can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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