his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
3 2 1 whiskey
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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