You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
