i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
