Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
