He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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