That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
