I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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