in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
PANTIES FOUND
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