he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
