The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
