We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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