I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
