note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
