Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
