Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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