before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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