i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize